Peter Gibbons Syndrome

This is a self diagnosis. I have Peter Gibbons Syndrome.



It's an attitude issue mostly I suppose. But here's the odd thing...I feel like I've been trying to change my attitude for a while now and nothing seems to be working. I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise when I can find the time. I'm drinking more water and sleeping as much as my schedule/responsibilities will allow. I roll out of bed 30 minutes early so I can read something spiritual outside of class. I make videos in an effort to turn the mundane into something magical and exciting so that I can convince myself that, "oh snap...this place really is awesome!" If only life had a soundtrack...

I thought being organized would do the trick so I scheduled out my life via Google,pre-ordered my books from Amazon or borrowed them from friends, and have been going to classes every day...but I'm still behind...way behind. And it's seriously reeking havoc on how I view this place.

I hate it here. Nothing fancy...nothing witty. No qualifiers. I just freaking hate it. The honest to goodness truth is that each day here IS worse than the day before it...each day I fall a little further back in my studies and perform a little bit worse at work.

Greek. It's supposed to help me better understand the Bible...to capture all the neat little nuances that have been lost in translation. The problem is I barely understand the English version...when I pony up the will to read it anyway. The rest of my time is used up with spiritual busy-work and tossing the professor a few deep-looking, yeah-I'm-tracking-with-you-buddy head nods during the lecture. But the truth is I'm not tracking...I don't get any of this stuff because I have no zero time to process any of it...much less to spend with my wife.

"Balance is key to your success here," says the professor during chapel. Ten minutes later the same professor is giving out a stern warning in class that if you fall behind there will be no hope for you. True, ultimate success is determined by God and is comprised of the sum of your life choices. Unfortunately, and perhaps ironically, the place that is supposed to help train me to make those successful life choices, even to the point of helping others make successful life choices, defines success rather differently...paying a bit of lip service along the way to a few hearty "Amen!"'s during Tuesday morning chapel.

"It's graduate school...it's supposed to be hard." Yes. It is. And I have no problem with hard. I have a problem with unreasonable. I have a problem with ridiculous. I have a problem with double-standards. I have a problem with lack of vision, purpose, and mission...or at least the lack of communicating vision,purpose, and mission. Are you interested in ME, the individual, actually growing and learning...or are you content in saying that you taught the material and everything else is my problem? Do you actually want me to be a good pastor...or would you rather I filled out the all the necessary paper work while you wash your hands of any responsibility for my "training"?

I had an undergrad teacher that proposed the idea of people having to be twice as honest online as in person in order to achieve the same feeling of communication or level of community. He's right. I probably wouldn't say any of this to your face...or at least not in these words. You might even see me smiling in the Seminary Commons...but don't be fooled. Unless something radically changes...I'm hating nearly every second. And here's my question: How many of the people that I fist-bump in the hallway or exchange "broseph" finger-points with in the parking lot are in the same boat? Who knows...maybe they all really are having the time of their lives...

Lord, I really hope you know what you're doing...because this is making less and less sense to me all the time. I felt like I heard a call...but it seems so long ago that I'm having to strain to hear even an echo of it. I'll take whatever you got for me...cause I'm totally out of whatever I had...

I'd love to talk to you more but I'm in class learning about you right now so...maybe later...