Audit

It's Friday...we not excited. Instead, we so tired...we so very, very tired. But we is sitting behind a small metal desk in the corner of the University Towers dean's office listening to Switchfoot (that's pretty much all we ever listens to) because we is on duty until midnight. We has plenty of time to think right now.

Every now and again I randomly pause to audit the moment I'm in. What all had to take place in my life to find me sitting behind this metal desk sipping a Dr. Pepper to stay awake so I can eavesdrop on the collegiate flirt sesh going down in the lobby? Well, self, I got this job after moving here from California. We moved here because one day we got a phone call followed by a letter saying that it was voted by a committee that we move. We were in CA because we chose to move there to pursue what we thought was youth ministry. By "we" I mean my wife, Rachel, who I met while at Southern Adventist University. I went to SAU because my parents told me they didn't want me to go to Walla Walla...etc.

The first time I went through this momentary audit I was sitting in the parking lot of a Spanish-speaking SDA church in full Class-A Pathfinder threads waiting to officiate a combined induction/investiture program (something I had never done before) in a language I didn't speak. I remember sitting in our beloved Kia Sportage looking at the desolate lot (the program had been moved back by two hours because church had gone late) and genuinely wondering, "How the heck did I end up here...now...in this moment?"

It seems like the momentary audit is becoming more and more frequent. In the moving van, while unpacking boxes, in class, looking at the ceiling of our apartment at 2 am...sitting behind this desk.

There's a certain cognitive dissonance that comes with the realization that you are drifting farther and farther from where you want to be, especially when you aren't exactly sure where "there" is, you just know it isn't where you're at. I mean, whatever happened to all the exciting things I wanted to do as a kid...how come NONE of those things panned out? Why aren't I a fighter pilot or a race car driver? How come I'm not in a band or the NBA or a professional roller coaster critic? Or do all those people sit around and wonder why they aren't pastors? It seems like life just happens and every now and again I wake up, look around, and say, "Wait...what?!"

When does contentment become settling? Where is the balance between "being content in all things" and being honest with myself? Is this seriously what I was created for or simply the path of least resistance? Did I confuse convenience with calling? When will my life become "more abundant"? Or would I even know it if it slapped me in the face?

I feel like I've lost the ability to dream in almost every way. If I sleep at night I never seem to find myself in some surreal world with a ponytail that can connect with animals so that I can defend my planet against those who would destroy it in the process of harvesting precious "unobtainium".

But more significant still is the loss of the ability to dream practically. What is it that I want out of life? I mean really want? When all ulterior factors like money, power, fame, respect, etc. are stripped away...what's left? Because that's my true engine.

But what if nothing is left? What if nothing excites me anymore? What if nothing stirs my passion? What if all I have is almost total and utter indifference? Because that's exactly where I am...and I'm beginning to feel indifferent about it.

Meh...my shift is up...time to go home so I can do it again tomorrow...

Thrive

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

I've been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven't been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I'm in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me

I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don't know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feels like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

I'm always close but I'm never enough
I'm always in line but I'm never in love
I get so down but I won't give up
I get slowed down but I won't give up

Been fighting things that I can't see in
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?

No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
A steering wheel don't mean you can drive
A warm body don't mean I'm alive
No I'm not alright
I know that I'm not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I want to thrive not just survive

-Switchfoot

Old School Photo

So Im finishing up the work day...or night...by installing a new keyboard on the student dean computer. (It's a PC so you have to install drivers for every piece of new hardware.) Naturally I needed to test the keyboard out so I googled myself and my dad's myspace page came up...so I visited it for a walk down memory lane. Well...his page lists Rachel as a top friend (remember when peoples feelings got hurt when they got bumped down or off somebody's top friend list?) So anyways...I went to Rachel's (DJ Classic) myspace page and found this.



Not gonna lie...i laughed for like 3 minutes. The keyboard works btw.

Peter Gibbons Syndrome

This is a self diagnosis. I have Peter Gibbons Syndrome.



It's an attitude issue mostly I suppose. But here's the odd thing...I feel like I've been trying to change my attitude for a while now and nothing seems to be working. I'm trying to eat healthy and exercise when I can find the time. I'm drinking more water and sleeping as much as my schedule/responsibilities will allow. I roll out of bed 30 minutes early so I can read something spiritual outside of class. I make videos in an effort to turn the mundane into something magical and exciting so that I can convince myself that, "oh snap...this place really is awesome!" If only life had a soundtrack...

I thought being organized would do the trick so I scheduled out my life via Google,pre-ordered my books from Amazon or borrowed them from friends, and have been going to classes every day...but I'm still behind...way behind. And it's seriously reeking havoc on how I view this place.

I hate it here. Nothing fancy...nothing witty. No qualifiers. I just freaking hate it. The honest to goodness truth is that each day here IS worse than the day before it...each day I fall a little further back in my studies and perform a little bit worse at work.

Greek. It's supposed to help me better understand the Bible...to capture all the neat little nuances that have been lost in translation. The problem is I barely understand the English version...when I pony up the will to read it anyway. The rest of my time is used up with spiritual busy-work and tossing the professor a few deep-looking, yeah-I'm-tracking-with-you-buddy head nods during the lecture. But the truth is I'm not tracking...I don't get any of this stuff because I have no zero time to process any of it...much less to spend with my wife.

"Balance is key to your success here," says the professor during chapel. Ten minutes later the same professor is giving out a stern warning in class that if you fall behind there will be no hope for you. True, ultimate success is determined by God and is comprised of the sum of your life choices. Unfortunately, and perhaps ironically, the place that is supposed to help train me to make those successful life choices, even to the point of helping others make successful life choices, defines success rather differently...paying a bit of lip service along the way to a few hearty "Amen!"'s during Tuesday morning chapel.

"It's graduate school...it's supposed to be hard." Yes. It is. And I have no problem with hard. I have a problem with unreasonable. I have a problem with ridiculous. I have a problem with double-standards. I have a problem with lack of vision, purpose, and mission...or at least the lack of communicating vision,purpose, and mission. Are you interested in ME, the individual, actually growing and learning...or are you content in saying that you taught the material and everything else is my problem? Do you actually want me to be a good pastor...or would you rather I filled out the all the necessary paper work while you wash your hands of any responsibility for my "training"?

I had an undergrad teacher that proposed the idea of people having to be twice as honest online as in person in order to achieve the same feeling of communication or level of community. He's right. I probably wouldn't say any of this to your face...or at least not in these words. You might even see me smiling in the Seminary Commons...but don't be fooled. Unless something radically changes...I'm hating nearly every second. And here's my question: How many of the people that I fist-bump in the hallway or exchange "broseph" finger-points with in the parking lot are in the same boat? Who knows...maybe they all really are having the time of their lives...

Lord, I really hope you know what you're doing...because this is making less and less sense to me all the time. I felt like I heard a call...but it seems so long ago that I'm having to strain to hear even an echo of it. I'll take whatever you got for me...cause I'm totally out of whatever I had...

I'd love to talk to you more but I'm in class learning about you right now so...maybe later...

Stuff We Did - BC Youth Fair

We went to the Berrien County Youth Fair to celebrate Katie's birthday a few weeks ago...I finally got around to editing it last sunday.

Stuff We Did - Chicago Weekend