Audit

It's Friday...we not excited. Instead, we so tired...we so very, very tired. But we is sitting behind a small metal desk in the corner of the University Towers dean's office listening to Switchfoot (that's pretty much all we ever listens to) because we is on duty until midnight. We has plenty of time to think right now.

Every now and again I randomly pause to audit the moment I'm in. What all had to take place in my life to find me sitting behind this metal desk sipping a Dr. Pepper to stay awake so I can eavesdrop on the collegiate flirt sesh going down in the lobby? Well, self, I got this job after moving here from California. We moved here because one day we got a phone call followed by a letter saying that it was voted by a committee that we move. We were in CA because we chose to move there to pursue what we thought was youth ministry. By "we" I mean my wife, Rachel, who I met while at Southern Adventist University. I went to SAU because my parents told me they didn't want me to go to Walla Walla...etc.

The first time I went through this momentary audit I was sitting in the parking lot of a Spanish-speaking SDA church in full Class-A Pathfinder threads waiting to officiate a combined induction/investiture program (something I had never done before) in a language I didn't speak. I remember sitting in our beloved Kia Sportage looking at the desolate lot (the program had been moved back by two hours because church had gone late) and genuinely wondering, "How the heck did I end up here...now...in this moment?"

It seems like the momentary audit is becoming more and more frequent. In the moving van, while unpacking boxes, in class, looking at the ceiling of our apartment at 2 am...sitting behind this desk.

There's a certain cognitive dissonance that comes with the realization that you are drifting farther and farther from where you want to be, especially when you aren't exactly sure where "there" is, you just know it isn't where you're at. I mean, whatever happened to all the exciting things I wanted to do as a kid...how come NONE of those things panned out? Why aren't I a fighter pilot or a race car driver? How come I'm not in a band or the NBA or a professional roller coaster critic? Or do all those people sit around and wonder why they aren't pastors? It seems like life just happens and every now and again I wake up, look around, and say, "Wait...what?!"

When does contentment become settling? Where is the balance between "being content in all things" and being honest with myself? Is this seriously what I was created for or simply the path of least resistance? Did I confuse convenience with calling? When will my life become "more abundant"? Or would I even know it if it slapped me in the face?

I feel like I've lost the ability to dream in almost every way. If I sleep at night I never seem to find myself in some surreal world with a ponytail that can connect with animals so that I can defend my planet against those who would destroy it in the process of harvesting precious "unobtainium".

But more significant still is the loss of the ability to dream practically. What is it that I want out of life? I mean really want? When all ulterior factors like money, power, fame, respect, etc. are stripped away...what's left? Because that's my true engine.

But what if nothing is left? What if nothing excites me anymore? What if nothing stirs my passion? What if all I have is almost total and utter indifference? Because that's exactly where I am...and I'm beginning to feel indifferent about it.

Meh...my shift is up...time to go home so I can do it again tomorrow...