The Devil is funny. Not “ha-ha” funny. But the kind of funny where you thought you knew where your keys were and when you go to get them they aren’t there and you’re like “where the heck are me keys?” and somebody else is like , “huh...that’s funny…” That kind of funny…you know…the kind of ‘funny’ that sucks.
God is said to work in mysterious ways. Well then I say the Devil works in ‘funny’ ways.
I swear I knew exactly what my calling was…and just like that I can’t find it. I mean it was right there just a minute ago. And guess who’s standing in the corner giving me a fake confused look, scratching his left horn and musing, “that’s funny”? Jerk.
Maybe it was starting out the weekend with a speeding ticket. Or maybe it was hearing what I’ve been working on all year be called a joke. Or maybe it was realizing that after a full year maybe that person is right. Either way, who knew it would take so little to question whether or not I’m actually called to ministry. As I sit in the back of my Kia Sportage watching Pathfinders walk around looking for something to do on a Sabbath afternoon I wish I was somewhere…anywhere else.
Weak sauce.
I’m supposed to want to hang out with them. I’m supposed to be the guy that’s super chill. The guy that can play guitar and throw a spiral football. Kids are supposed to relate to me and parents are supposed to be happy that someone so young is “giving back”.
Instead I’m that guy that talks to the fire department after a kid pulls the alarm for kicks. I’m the guy who gets weird looks when I say “what up” or “how’s it going”. I’m the guy that stands up front and plays “classic” Adventist kid songs while several hundred people silently look on because apparently they “don’t know this one”…they never do.
Long story short: I’m discouraged. Yeah I know…Jesus felt discouraged too…but was it enough to question doing ministry full time? Was he ever like, “Screw this…Ima go back to making tables and letting my lifestyle do the preaching”?
I’d ask him but I don’t feel like I’d get an answer. Not because he left…more because I walked to the other side of a crowded room and can't get his attention. Like I put too much between myself and him and even if I jumped and awkwardly waved it would take a miracle just to make eye contact.
I could ask the kids that I work with what they think…but I already know what they’ll say: “Read the Bible/Pray every day.” They say that for everything I ever ask them. It’s almost impressive…almost. Seriously, I could ask them their shoe size and they would probably respond “read your bible/pray every day” because that’s what they think I want to hear.
So now what? I mean this whole roller coaster of “I’m fully incompetent at my job” to “oh wait…I did something right” to “I don’t feel trained…at all” to “ok…I think I’m starting to understand” to “I’m a joke show” is getting really tired. I’m ready to put it to bed. Am I supposed to do ministry or not?
What’s that? “That’s funny?” ...what a jerk.
3 comments:
DK3, I get this. I really, really, really get this.
I wouldn't let that Devil's smirk get to you too much. Because behind that confident persona he's a loser and he could tell you that there's no minister that never questioned their calling.
Donnie. Let it out. But know this (and I speak from experience from this year) it might suck right now, you might feel like giving up, but it WILL get better. For example camp is right around the corner and you will soon be surrounded by family that will encourage and support you. Just hold on tight.
I'd love to talk to you more about this sometime. I can tell you are struggling. Ministry is not easy, mostly because the devil is a jerk. But your calling doesn't depend on what the devil says. And sometimes Jesus steps back a bit so we can step forward and take the effort to seek Him. Sometimes it just seems like inconvenient timing, but I guess He knows what He's doing. I don't have any cheer-up words, cause I know it's hard. I'll be praying though, and I know that the same God that helps me with screaming 2nd graders will help you discover your purpose at the right time, and will help you find your value in Him alone. Love you!
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