If death & taxes are certain, than taxes will most likely cause my death. Rachel and I made our yearly pilgrimage to H&R Block this afternoon not quite sure what to expect. Two years ago we got a large refund from the federal government. Last year we broke even...except for CA State taxes...of course we've been paying those every year.
After pulling up to the front of the building we bowed our heads for a quick prayer...it seemed like the right thing to do.
"God please help this to go ok."
The lady seemed nice enough. She chattered with us about the rain outside as she pecked our W2's into the system. We told her about how we ended up in MI from CA...man I'm tired of people flipping out about us living in Yosemite.
She finishes entering the paperwork we've brought and waits for the computer to crunch the numbers. Rachel and I glance at each other...like people do in the movies...right before they die.
"It looks like you'll have a balance due..." I tune out her voice because I am reading the numbers on her computer screen.
MI State = We owe $48...meh
CA State = We owe $222...danget...every time
Federal = We owe...$1338?!?! What the crap?!
Rachel looks like she might throw up. Suddenly we don't feel so chatty. The lady can tell we didn't see it coming. Now is as good of time as any.
"Aaannnnndddddd your H&R Block fees come to...$298"
Oh wow...we walked in hoping to get something back...we leave trying to figure out where the nearly $2000 will come from before April 17. We spend the rest of the afternoon trying to distract ourselves from the sick feeling in our stomachs. Ever wonder what music inspired by debt depression sounds like?
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see. 2 Through their faith, the people in days of old earned a good reputation." (Hebrews 11:1,2 NLT)
Well, hooray for them.
But I suck at faith...it doesn't mix well with pessimism. More often than not I find myself more confident that God won't come through for me than I am that He will. I mean, why should He? He doesn't owe me anything...and suffering is supposed to be good for me, right? I'm a spoiled American anyhow...God already has helped me. He let me be born here.
A few weeks ago found me joking with friends about "Name It and Claim It" theology. Now I wish it were that simple. Sadly, even if it were I still wouldn't have enough faith for it.
It's one thing to sit in our Honda and bow our heads like good Christians to thank God in advance for providing a way when there seems to be none...it's quite another to get out of our Honda confident that He actually will. And so I set to work looking at our bank accounts and reading 2012 tax law to discern our payment options. It's an answer to prayer if it gets paid at all right? It's not like a check for the exact amount is just going to magically show up in our mailbox. That kind of thing only happens to other people.
Faith. It means intentionally leaving room for God to show Himself mighty. It means not having a 'Plan B' in case He doesn't show up because I'm so confident that He will. It means being vulnerable to forces outside of my control. It means trust.
I suck at all those things...and as with most of my life's discrepancies I find the distance between articulating the problem and having the courage to live the solution is greater than personal safety recommends. I'd like to confidently type, "Update on God's provision coming soon! Stay tuned!" But in the back of my mind I'm already writing up Craigslist ads to raise the money myself.
Death & taxes...I'm told faith can conquer both. Now all I need to do is believe it...
Oh God, how desperately I need faith. No matter how hard I try I cannot generate it on my own. Please give me the courage to step aside and watch you calm this storm. Show Yourself mighty in this crisis and do not let me forget it when You do. Complete this work you began in me. You are faithful, Father...please make me faithful. Amen.
4 comments:
Sadly, I relate to both your high tax bill and your hesitant faith. Sometimes I think I'm hesitant to "name it and claim it" because I don't know what faith is really qualified to ask for. Like you said, just getting it paid is a miracle, right?
I'm SO broke right now, getting broker, and now I have taxes to pay. And I wonder if I should be praying for a $4500 check to show up in my mailbox... or that God would send a good job... or that He would lower the interest rate on my credit card... or...? I guess I'm not even sure what to name or claim!
One thing I do know, though: "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread." [psa37.25] I don't know how He'll provide exactly, but I know He will. He doesn't forsake His kids.
Well, I know miracles exist because I was just able to listen to your entire song here in Yap. That's never happened before. But anyway...man, I've had so many similar questions and thoughts this year. I think faith is a journey more than a destination in this world. It's hard to be thankful for the opportunities to have faith, because it's usually really scary because we don't have control. Only God does, and that's not always as predictable as we want it. Faith takes waiting and action, and it's not always clear when to do either, but that's part of learning and listening too. I am thankful to say, at least in my story this year, I've already seen my faith rewarded in many ways. And I've been like...whew. God DID come through. Cause for a minute there, I wasn't sure...But I did have to wait for it. And I still am for many other things. :) Keep the faith, bro. :)
Don't know if you've checked your email account...but I sent you a sermon I wrote at a time when we were facing the exact same thing... and I sucked at faith and exercised the spiritual gift of cynicism. The sermon is the result of what God led me through there... AND He paid my taxes a few months later...with a tree on the house!
All things are possible to him who believes!. I believe Lord! Help my unbelief.
Anarchy... never mind, I think Paul said something about that. Dang it! Paul is such a good-two-shoes. I want to hit him in the face sometimes. I'm praying for you bro.
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